Prince Harry is a legendary paranoid when it comes to security. He believes that he should be able to have it and his IPP status back because… he can. The man is the fifth in line to the British Throne. He’s unimportant, and unless something unfortunate happens to his older, more essential brother and his three children, the Duke of Sussex will never see the throne.
So, let’s explore something that Harry will likely never answer: the hard-hitting questions. Beware, there will be some rather witty responses.
1. What Makes You, Prince Harry And, By Extension, Your Wife And Children, Special?
*blinks twice* Ahh… I am Prince Harry, and I need security. Umm. My daddy is the king, so I have the same risk he does. Also, I am more important than my brother. My wife is like my mummy, and my children are biracial. Yeah, that’s what makes them special.
Ah, okay then…
2. Why Is It Important To You, Prince Harry, To Have Taxpayer-Funded Security?
*scratches his head, confused* Ah… I exist because the taxpayers want my family to exist. I am the King of England’s son and I am more important than everyone else in my immediate family, including my father. Also, I don’t want my wife and children to suffer the same fate as mummy.
3. What Makes The UK So Dangerous That You Can’t Bring Your Wife And Children Back?
Everyone is out to get us! We’ve had the media come after us and we’ve been car chases with the paps…
Wait, there was no car chase in the UK. Also, if you’re talking about the “paparazzi” chasing you after the WellChild Awards, there was one person with a phone filming you leave.
That’s still dangerous!
*the interviewer facepalms themself at the stupidity*
4. Did You Know The UK Is Safer Than America?
*shakes head* No, America’s safer.
Is it? Who told you that? Your wife? You do realise that many people in America walk around with guns and open fire whenever they feel slighted. Do you think that American schools are safer than UK ones? Mass shootings can happen anywhere. Tell me something. When was the last time there was a massive attack in the UK?
*Prince Harry is speechless*
5. Prince Harry, Why Is Your Need For Security More Important Than Your Father And Brother?
My father is the king. My brother will be king. I will be king someday, as will my son. I need the security.
*interviewer is incredoulous* Have you suddenly forgotten you have two nephews and a niece in front of you?
They don’t count. They’re not children of the king.
*The interviewer looks like they want to hit Harry between the eyes* No, they’re children of the future king. You remember. Your brother? Your archnemesis? You will never be king. George will succeed his father as your brother will succeed the king. You have been left behind.
No, I will follow my brother to the throne and be the co-king! My wife will be the co-queen, and my son will be the Duke of Cornwall.
6. Give Me One Legitimate Example Of Your Wife and Children Being In Danger
Oh, there are plenty! My son almost died in a housing unit fire in South Africa. My wife was stalked and almost popped by some crazed YouTuber who wanted to see if she was really pregnant…
*The interview raises a hand to cut him off* There was no fire in South Africa; otherwise, the media would’ve have reported it. Also, talking about public figures online doesn’t mean they’re crazed. There was no crazed stalker that was reported to the police.
I feel that the UK press is dangerous and spreads misinformation!
*The interviewer rolls their eyes, and signals to the producer that the interview is over*
