Chronicles of Harkle

Meghan Markle And The Disney Denial: Moana Edition – Satire

rumours, scandals, sussexes, shall we; madam president, state dinner

A scream resonated from the kitchen. Harry went running to find Meghan standing over her laptop, an article about the casting for the live-action Moana film sat open. The staff who had been working silently around the space, momentarily froze.

Editor Note: A big thank you to J E May/ Duchess Marmalade on Twitter for the idea for this satirical piece.

“They cast an unknown girl to be MOANA!” Meghan screeched.

Harry caught the eye of the maid who had been working to his left. He could see she was thinking the same thing. Usually, he agreed with everything his wife because if he didn’t she’d refuse to talk to him and therefore, blame him for her misfortune.

Harry Points Out Meghan Is Too Old To Play Moana

In a sudden burst of power, Harry felt he needed to say something. “Meghan, I hate to point this out, but you’re too old to be Moana. Haven’t you seen the movie?”

As he continued talking, Meghan’s eyes widened and went so black that you almost see into the depths of her black soul. Her face had gone red, like the inverted boob dress she had worn after Lili’s birth. She started screaming in her typical Meredith Blake fashion. Elaine Hendrix would’ve been proud.

“That role should be mine! I can sing, I can talk to animals…” Meghan ranted but Harry tuned out. He knew she couldn’t sing or talk to animals as he had been forced to write that stuff in Spare to accommodate her ego. She saw herself as a princess like Snow White or Rapunzel. Or better yet, Ariel, who had “lost her voice.”

The Disney Princess Narrative

What neither Harry nor Meghan seemed to grasp was that Ariel willingly gave up her voice to be with Prince Eric. It wasn’t stolen from her.  The Duchess of Dog Biscuits had a flair for the dramatic. If a television show or a movie suited her narrative, she would steal it. She had no qualms about doing this, regardless, of people picking up on it.

She was aware that the public or the ‘trolls’ knew how she would steal other people’s narratives, real or fictional. Meghan had a big file of social media users she wanted to bring down for exposing her. However, there was one large problem. She couldn’t sue every single person. So, instead, she hired someone with a connection to dox these people.


Harry snapped out of his thoughts to see that Meghan’s face had gone tomato red with rage. He cringed as he could see she was holding yet another China plate that had been part of a massive wedding gift… from her first wedding.

Second Best… Again

Harry had always felt like he was given second best when he was growing up with his beloved brother, William. However, what he failed to grasp was that he was still second… in his marriage. He was so bitter towards his life turning to crap that he was blinded to the truth.

He was so enamoured with Meghan that he couldn’t see her true personality for what it was. She acted all nice one second, but when something didn’t go her way, she would turn nasty. Harry didn’t see his wife as cruel or nasty. He saw her as a wonderful human being and refused to acknowledge the bodies she left behind.

As someone who had issues with his father, Harry thought he understood her problem with her dad. Due to his wife’s influence, every person who didn’t like her was toxic. It didn’t matter if they were blood-related or longtime friends. Meghan hated anyone who would talk sense into him.

Losing Friends Is Whose Fault?

He even admitted in an interview that he had lost friends since he’d been with Meghan. He didn’t understand why as, according to her, they were the problem, not her. It was a repeated pattern that he simply didn’t want to see.

When it came to his own family, he understood blackmail would take its toll on his father when it came to the children…


Meghan’s voice broke through the haze.

Harry’s eyes readjusted to find her glaring at him as he’d just burned a pair of her favourite shoes.

“Did you not hear me?!” she demanded. “I hate it when your full attention isn’t on me!”

Harry bowed his head, trying to rein in his feelings. Meghan didn’t allow him to feel his feelings. It always had to be about her.

The Addict – Meghan Really Wanted To Be Moana

She was an addict who loved having the focus on her thoughts, opinions and emotions at all times. It was draining, but the prince had come to terms with it. Their marriage was not loving, despite their constant narrative in the press of “how in love they were.” Meghan always had the upper hand. They could say it until they were blue in the face.

It had gotten to the point where Harry was defeated. He had lost everything in his life that he once valued. He knew William wasn’t giving him a second thought, especially after what he had been saying about Catherine in Spare.

Harry didn’t want to admit that he was in the wrong. He had told Eugenie’s husband, Jack Brooksbank, at his father’s coronation that he was sick of his family treating him like dirt.

Even Jack could see that Harry was in the wrong. He had a relationship with the family and didn’t have a problem. Neither did Sophie Winkleman, the wife of Lord Freddie Windsor. She was an actress and had integrated into the family perfectly fine. As had rugby player, Mike Tindall, the husband of Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara. There was a long list of commoners who had married in with almost zero issues. Meghan was the only family, in recent times, that had had problems.

To Harry, Meghan Was Not The Problem

There was no way Harry was going to accept that his wife was the problem and not the family’s attitude towards them. After all, she was the ultimate role model for girls. She was loving, and kind, could talk to animals, make her clothes and she was sexy as all hell.

Harry must have had a dreamy expression on his face because he felt something hard hit his face. Meghan had slapped because he’d lost focus of the most important person in their lives. Her and only her.

She loved to claim that she had given up her whole life for him. She hadn’t. Meghan secretly kept her business manager and other associates, knowing she’d need them at some point. She had no intentions from the beginning of working as a royal. She wanted to work for big corporations. Disney. Sony. Netflix. Paramount. Any big studio. After all, the whole reason they had gone to The Lion King premiere was to pitch work to Bob Iger.

Sorry, Meghan But Disney Didn’t Want You As Moana

There is no way Meghan would have been able to do it on her own. She needed Harry to do it for her because of his privilege because even she knew that if a royal asked for help, you did as you were told. However, she was the exception. She was too good for the begilded life as a royal. Hollywood was her royalty and she craved and yearned to be a part of it. She thought marrying a prince like Cinderella and Snow White did, that her profile would be boosted tenfold. Hundredfold even.

For a time, it was as if people were naturally curious. However, after seeing how Meghan had turned against the royals and her family, they turned away, not wanting anything to do with her. Kate was more popular in America. She was far more likeable. This pissed the Duchess off something fierce. She thought the polls were rigged in Kate’s favour.

Also, it was her that gave her sister-in-law, the nickname of Katy Keen. Being the massive Archie comics fan that Meghan was, she still remembered every name by heart. Archie. Veronica. Betty. Katy Keen. Jughead.

Obsessed With The Name Archie

Meghan had been fixated on the name Archie her whole life, but she had denied naming her unseen son after her favourite redheaded comic book character. Anyone who understood how her mind worked, was aware that she did name her son after Archie Andrews. She had also named her cat Archie. Therefore, she had also named the Archewell Foundation after the character, despite claiming the “company” was named after the child of the same name.

Most people called BS on this.

Meghan’s belief that she was Snow White and could talk to animals was absurd. She also thought she was Ariel who had to regain her voice, again, was idiotic. Now she wanted the Moana role when it was obvious she was too old and didn’t have the talent to make millions at the box office? Thank the Disney gods that another more qualified actress was cast.

“What has this girl got that I haven’t?!” Meghan screeched.

Harry jolted out of his bitter thoughts, his cheek suddenly stinging from the impact of the slap.

Meghan Is Not Moana

The staff exchanged wide-eyed looks. They knew that violence was a normal factor in the Sussex marriage. It stemmed back to at least the Morocco tour where Harry was seen in a car with a black eye and what looked like bite marks on his hand. As much as the staff wanted to say something, they couldn’t, without risking their jobs.

A tender hand mark sat on Harry’s cheek. It was a sign of fury. It was yet another sign of failure.

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About Author

C.J. Hawkings has written for the now-defunct Entertainment website, Movie Pilot and the still functioning WhatCulture and ScreenRant. She prides herself as a truth seeker and will do (almost) anything for coffee or Coke No Sugar. Oh! And food!

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